Why, Seton, why did you do this? you ask. Well, cause of course I was drunk and drunkenness has a way (at least for me) for talking truth and putting all my bizness out there. So there you have it. And I really was regretful, not that I told (that would come later) but that I'd allowed my life to become this shame-filled, cave-like existence. Yes, I'd smashed my car more than once in the Taco Bell drive-in. Well who hasn't , even sober, that turn is damn treacherous! But it was getting to the point where I couldn't hide it anymore. And I am nothing but a great hider. I think there was a part of my brain that went, Fuck it! Let yourself out! And so I did.
Now, this is the type of drunk I am. I do not fall down. No, that would be gauche. I do not have tantrums and throw things. (that is only when I'm sober) I do not beat my kids tho Lord knows, they deserve it. No, I am the Mother that talks quietly and gently at them when they're not throwing shit on the floor for fun. After that, I sound like a raving lunatic.
The funny thing is I never drank in high school or even college. Nope, I started my AA status after I was 30 and had 3 kids. I went to work part-time at this awesome gourmet restaurant where on my first day I noticed wine in coffee cups on the server sideboard. I was aghast, of course. These people are drinking ON THE FLOOR???? But by month 3, I was sipping out of my little porcelain cup like all the others. Never got drunk tho. I was too scared to get drunk while serving but afterwards....oh yeah, all the server had a party. And if you've never worked in a restaurant, let me tell you, after-hours is party hour. I thanked God every night, I only had a five minute drive home cause I was usually wasted. During this time I was Jekyll and Hyde. Drinking at work, NEVER during the day. I had little ones to care of for God's sake.
Flash forward three years. We moved. Hubs and I were going thru a really bad place in our marriage. I found out that the stupid, crazy shit he did was due to ADD but by the point I had really had it. I was sick of being the strong, responsible one while he had free license to jack up. We ended up moving across the country cause my sis-n-law really wanted out here. "We'll be a family," she said. "Help each other. You guys have no one in your state. Come here." I was like "Hell no. Not trying to move THERE. I'm trying to move where MY family is on the opposite coast!"
But God had His way and in Oct. '05, we moved. In 3 months my nephew, 27, went into a coma and in March, died. His mother, my sis-n-law, died the following Aug. We were sitting right in front of her and didn't really she was having a stroke, brought on by her cancer. So we gave up our house, our friends, everything to follow the OBEDIENT call. It hasn't been easy to say the least.
The people here are not the most friendly. For six months our neighbors gave us nothing but the cold fish-eye stare. No casseroles, no cake, no How-dee-doo. No, Cold fish. eye. stare. I learned my way around, albeit a bottle of wine, here and there to make some friends. Unfortunately, I tend to tell the truth when under the influence so the friends I did manage to make couldn't deal with either my east coast bluntness or drunken straightforwardness.
In the last two years, I have lost most of my friends. One called me manipulative (cause I asked her to mentor me) and another who was supposed to be my close friend who got made and outed me to my whole church team. NOTE: No one on my ministry team has ever called to see how I'm doing. They all just act like I'm non-existent.
So I drink. And now everyone knows. So in an act of desperation, I threw myself in a recovery center. Want know how it went? Tune in tomorrow....
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